Eh..

This house inspired me. I want to make a new portfolio. Not exactly sure what the theme is but I know I want this picture in it.

to Those who Told me I couldn't.

Well I grew up with people always telling me that it was just fantasy for me to do the things I dreamed of. Traveling for instance. I've always been a dreamer. But more than that, I've also always been a "do-er" haha for lack of better words. I don't see the point in just wishing for something to happen...you gotta make it happen. I don't want life to happen to me, I want to make life happen for me. Well finally I'm almost making it. I'm going to Iceland and Puerto Rico this summer. Puerto Rico is with my uncle and cousins but Iceland is by myself. It's a great feeling to know that I can do things without having to rely on anyone. I'm lucky that my dad installed that in me when I was little...he's always made my siblings and me work for whatever we wanted. And I am grateful. I'm an independent woman because of him. So for those who told it'd never happen...it is happening.

I just hope someone can eventually prove me wrong. I don't believe in men anymore. As much as I'm addicted to them, I don't believe them..they are all temporary highs. A question came yesterday, what do I look for in a guy? Truth is, I don't know anymore. I used to have many thoughts and lists as for what I wanted. But now I have found that I was looking for someone that probably doesn't exist. What do I look for now? Someone who can give it to me goooooood...bahahaha! I dont know...how I got here..one moment I'm miss goody two shoes, here-you-can-kiss-my-cheek-kid, and nowwww I'm....I'm messing with a different guy almost every month. Problem is, I dont really care either. I like it. I'm a diva and if you're offering, I'll probably take you up on that. I get a kick from being in danger. I like to explore, whether its a man's body or a forest(or neighborhood in houston's case). They love me though. Thursday night, five guys all told me that they were gunna marry me, no i wasnt fucking them and only two of em were drunk. lol The only thing I yearn for is to have more women friends...I need that company. It's good for me. Right now I only have two girl friends that I can really hang out with and talk to. I've always just had guy friends..

If you could see what I see

Sometimes I wish I could help you more. You cry and cry and tell me how you're sick of your life..you want to get away..you want to change. I let you cry in my arms and tell me everything you're thinking. I try to help you see what you really are..I just wish you could see past your broken mirror. I wish I could take your pain away and give you confidence...but I can't. I can tell you everything you are and how beautiful you are and help you get back on your feet. But I can't pull you out of your hole by myself. You have to want it too. Really really want it. I could tell you all the things that would help you lift up your situation but it won't matter unless you actually do something about it. No more feeling sorry for yourself. It hurts me to see you like this...but there's not much I can do. I just wish you could see what I see.

yikes..well this weekend made me realize how much i miss those kids.

I used to be a leader in my churches youth group (aka core team)..andddddd last year I kinda decided that I didnt want to do it anymore…cuzzzzz i was and still kinda am going through a self evaluation i guess it would be called? Basically just trying to figure out what the heck i’m doing. So I quit the youth group thing…changed jobs, got promoted started doing what i love at school…anddddd then randomly, the youth minister texts me, “yo would you be able to photograph our retreat next month?” I’m just like ohhhhhh ummmmm yea sure. It’d be good for me to practice some photography, help out with a portfolio i suppose? As it came closer to the time…I started to regret saying yes cuz I’ve kinda been running away from God…..still working on that one…andddd i havent seen these people in a longgggggg time and i thought it might be a lil awkward…butttttt for some reason i just told myself to get over it and try to get off work and go to the retreat with them. It was surprisingly easy to get off work..I didn’t even have to pay or beg anyone. lol literally. Soo i went…

Those kids are pretty much awesome. I have missed being with them…I have sooo much I wanna share with them and learn from them. I really wanna jump back into doing stuff with youth…just now I dont know when i can…they have their thing on sunday nights but i have to work sunday nights……and making these films pretty much is a lifestyle. It’s very very VERY time consuming. I’ve always been into helping youth though..i want to help them and share with them everything i know. I wanna be there for them. …I guess for now I just gotta wait and see how things pan out

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel so retarded for blogging...it's like I'm talking to a wall. But I do it anyways. Oh well. So tomorrow my cousin is leaving, I don't know if she's coming back after her brother's wedding or not, but we'll see. My mind keeps drawing blanks lately. I've realized that I'm not the good girl I used to be and for some reason I don't really care. And after spending my whole life trying to grow up..I've decided that I don't want to just quite yet...but I have to soon. I only have one more year of being a teenager left. Actually, only 355 days left. I don't want it to go by fast.

yeaaaaaa

Well I feel like there is so much to say that I don't know where to start...Maybe there's nothing really to say. I suppose the only thing I can say at this moment is, YEY one year of college down. =]

Ugh...something about losing a best friend just really SUCKS. I wish I didn't care so much...I thought it was getting better..I was wrong. He makes deliberate attempts to ignore me. Like he has to make a conscious effort to ignore me. I wish he could just get over whatever it is..and maybe talk to me about it! Why does he have to hide...