Again

I did it again. I got drunk last night for the first time since January when I screwed things up with him. I'm not one to be a drinker...I don't really know why I do it when I do. It's not like I need it. It's not good for me and I'm not saying I think all drinking is horrible. It's just.....not me. I don't know what I'm trying to do but it's hard to stop. Worse is that I know that I kinda don't really want to stop all the way. I know I should...but I probably won't. I can't even sort out all the thoughts in my mind about it to write on here. This is about more than just drinking...that's a very small part, but it just implies so much more. But it all leads back to God.. it's like He's drawn a line and I'm not on His side but I'm trying to get there but I keep tripping myself. And my dreams..I've been having so many recently and I know He's trying to tell me something but I can't figure it out. I'm so stupid. He needs to use a megaphone to get anything through to me...a slap in the face also would be good. Or a punch. Until then...I pray I come to my senses soon. The battle with myself. Ugh...