Ugh...something about losing a best friend just really SUCKS. I wish I didn't care so much...I thought it was getting better..I was wrong. He makes deliberate attempts to ignore me. Like he has to make a conscious effort to ignore me. I wish he could just get over whatever it is..and maybe talk to me about it! Why does he have to hide...

One of the Reasons I Don't Like Obama...

http://www.scrappleface.com/?p=4570

theres the source I'm gunna talk about.

1. First off, he's gunna find candidates for his Supreme Court, "not with empathy, but with “a keen understanding of how the law affects the daily lives of the American people,” which is an entirely different quality." Does he know the meaning of empathy? Because what he just said is basically EMPATHY. Why's he gotta go and change definitions?

2. If he hates on our founding fathers.....just..no bueno.

3."those old, white men drafted this charter of negative liberties,” Mr. Obama said, “and like a band of grandfathers, gone soft out of compassion for their grandchildren, they tried to free the individual from bondage to the government, when in fact, it’s the government that has their best interests at heart. It’s the government that can deliver so much more justice to them than any Constitution could ever hope to accomplish.”

This is so racist. Whether they're white, black, brown or yellow, who cares? And why is he always hating the old people? He SHOULD be learning from them, seeing as they are the ones with all the experience and wisdom(not ALL are wise..I understand..but still, they've had more experience with things than he has). He should be asking for advice from them, not bashing them and kicking them out.

Another thing that just makes me want to punch him in the face is when he said that "it's the government that has their(the american people) best interests at heart. It's the government that can deliver so much more justice to them than any Constitution could ever hope to accomplish."

OHHHHHHH MYYYYYY GOSHHHHHHHHHH......after laughing at this statement..I get shivers and still do when I copy it and read it again. Scary stuff in that statement!! Last time I checked my history books, the government has NEVER had the peoples' best interests at heart. The CONSTITUTION was made to keep people like HIM from having all the power! He's so freaking socialist...and running from that is exactly what made the US in the first place! He wants to see our downfall so bad..he could care less about our interests....Maybe I'll blog about this later because I'm getting sick just thinking about it.

Again

I did it again. I got drunk last night for the first time since January when I screwed things up with him. I'm not one to be a drinker...I don't really know why I do it when I do. It's not like I need it. It's not good for me and I'm not saying I think all drinking is horrible. It's just.....not me. I don't know what I'm trying to do but it's hard to stop. Worse is that I know that I kinda don't really want to stop all the way. I know I should...but I probably won't. I can't even sort out all the thoughts in my mind about it to write on here. This is about more than just drinking...that's a very small part, but it just implies so much more. But it all leads back to God.. it's like He's drawn a line and I'm not on His side but I'm trying to get there but I keep tripping myself. And my dreams..I've been having so many recently and I know He's trying to tell me something but I can't figure it out. I'm so stupid. He needs to use a megaphone to get anything through to me...a slap in the face also would be good. Or a punch. Until then...I pray I come to my senses soon. The battle with myself. Ugh...

Giggidy Giddidy Goo

So yesterday I met up with this photographer who wanted to take pictures of me. He's not the first to ask me but he's the first I said ok to. My only incentive to do so was that he said he'd pay me... haha I was kind of nervous because obviously I'm a chic and he's some random old guy...I didn't know if I would be ok with him. I checked out his website, kept my information secret, and made sure we went to a public place. It turned out just fine. We went downtown and just walked around the streets and found interesting places to take pictures at. He did make me a little uncomfortable when he finally asked me if I would take off one of my shirts(I was wearing two tank tops) and take more "sexy" pictures... hell to the no. He said he'd pay me more but still. NO. I don't want that crap floating around...if I had taken off one then it would be see through. =/. So we continued with my shirts ON. A little while later when we find this cute little house with a porch and start taking pictures, he asks again that if he paid me more would I do more "sexy" poses...at least he didn't ask me to take off a shirt again but NO. I'm not doing that either. Awkward moment passes and it's finally time for him to leave. He pulls out his wallet and hands me a hundred bucks...in cash. It was just one hour. Then he goes and says he's not rich. HAH. That made my day. He said he wants to take more some other time. I think that can be arranged. He's an alright guy, kinda one of those just naturally awkward guys but not bad. He never touched me. Even if he ever tries, he's not strong so there won't be a problem. But I will definitely give up an hour of my life if he keeps paying me like that.

ps. I probably made him sound like a total creep...but it wasn't bad. He didn't argue or anything. He would ask, I would say NO and we'd move on. Don't tell me I need to be careful because yes, I know that.

Weird.

You know, it used to kinda bug me when people called me weird. Now. It doesn't. I'd much rather be weird than normal. Normal people are boring. And if there was no weird people then who would make change? I'll bet that Ben Franklin was weird in everybody's eyes of his time. I'm not saying that I'm the next Ben Franklin...lol that would be stupid of me but I think that it just won't bother me anymore. I'll embrace my weirdness. It's a part of who I am. :]

Another thing though is that I'm realizing how much I say people are weird. I'm not proud of that. Why do I do it? Who am I to judge who's weird or not? They're just....very very different that I am... Recently I met a guy who obviously lied about having a girlfriend after I told him that I was talking to my boyfriend (which was also a lie because I thought he would've left when I told him...fail.). But he was the guy who probably didn't have many friends and sorry to say this but girls probably aren't that interested in him. After trying to hit on me and discovering that I wasn't available he felt the need to lie...as if that would make him "cooler" or whatever. That's so sad. I won't lie now, I was a little rude and very disinterested in what he was saying. Why? Why do I have to be so cold? Who cares if he's a little strange? I need to look past that and just accept him. God told me a while ago that everybody I come in contact with is there for a reason. I need to try to learn something from everybody I meet. Maybe I'll learn something maybe I won't. But it's not about just me either, what if I'm supposed to teach them something? What if I could help them by just being a friend? I don't want to just see the dirt on people...I want to brush some off of them and see what's underneath. I know it's going to be hard because everybody I know does this too. But I will try to...no. I am going to get better about this. No more talking about people or poking fun at people that walk past.

Hmmmm...

Well as it turns out, this Saturday is a mandatory practice for my belly dancing...and the teacher said that if we can't make the practice then we cant be in the group dance for the show in May. SUCKS. I have to work an event that day with my manager. No way of getting out of it. My teacher said I could do a solo......HAHHAAHAHAHA yea right..that would be super hilarious but no. I don't have the guts or the ability to do that. I guess I'll just do it next time there's a show...just sucks because I was looking forward to it. *sigh* oh well.

In a Hole

I was just thinking about my friends. I wonder why we don't ever really talk about anything...I love 'em to death and we always have a great time together but you know..I wish we'd be there for each other, like actually talk about real things that are going on. When I'm with them it's like everything else disappears. It's an escape, which isn't a bad thing neccessarily...I just wish that sometimes we could have real conversations...like about books, politics, society, religion, and maybe even hidden meanings of the movies we watch. haha maybe I'm just wierd...but I don't wanna hide from everything that's real all the time. I don't want to die in a hole. I still love them of course and I don't like them any less because of this. It's just a thought...maybe I should try to initiate something...so we can build each other up instead of just running.

Maybe...Just Maybe

A thought just came to my mind. Maybe I'm afraid to let people get close to me. Maybe I want to be alone? No...maybe I'm just stupid. I always push the ones I really care about away before they get to close. I hurt myself before they hurt me more. I use unbuttered real honest truth with the ones I really really care about and I think it freaks 'em out. I ask too many questions apparently. But I don't understand how they can have so many on-the-surface-feel-good friends and conversations and when they get offered some meat they shove it away. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong...I always want to understand. *sigh* My blessing and my curse.

Now I've got to leave and find a way back to where I came from

I was tired of waiting
Playing all the games and
Living in a place that was not for me
So I thought it was time
For me to get what's mine
And to do it all, everything I dreamed
What I thought was the best of me turned to be
All the worst I could find

If I run to you
Will you hold me in your arms forevermore
If I run to you
Will you hold me in your arms forevermore

Now I got a feeling
That I've got to leave and
Find a way back to where I came from
Though I don't deserve it
I know it's unheard but
Living here without you, my life is done
I confess that I shouldn't have run from you
Now I know I was wrong

Nowhere to run to
And no one to turn to
I'm dying out here on my own
Long before I even thought of returning
Your arms are wide open
Waiting for me to come home

If I run to you
Will you hold me in your arms forevermore
If I run to you
Will you hold me in your arms forevermore

-Third Day (My favorite)

Since The Fight

Change happens fast. I had decided that I wasn't going to text him anymore or invite him anywhere. But since the fight he's been inviting me to hang out, granted not just me and him, with our group, but still. He hasn't done that for months. And when I go because I want to and I don't want him to think I don't care..he acts NORMAL. haha like we never fought and like he used to be. It's so confusing. How can he be all distant and rude and easily annoyed one day and then happy-go-lucky and rather a pleasant person the next? Did he just need someone to notice? I won't complain though, I've missed this side of him. Who knows how long it'll last, so I'll enjoy him while he lets me.

Him.

I got in a fight with my best friend the other day. I was in the bathroom at school when we finished arguing and I just hid in a stall and started crying. Never done that before. It was kinda wierd. Not in a good way! He won't talk to me anymore about things. So I don't know what's going on with him. He's not ok and I wanna be there for him but he won't let me. He gets mad so easily now. But you know, he says he wants to be left alone. I'll leave him alone. I won't let this ruin our relationship. I'll give him his extra extra space but I'll still be here. He'll talk to me when he's ready. Life is a waiting game but lately I'm getting sick of waiting. I'm gunna go back to my old life motto. Suck it up and deal with it. *sigh*